We’ve come a long way, baby! 2,930 miles to be exact. We’ve moved across the country from Vermont to Washington in what felt like record time. In these past six months, we’ve had much to explore and much time to ourselves. We didn’t have many friends to begin with so that left us with a lot of free time. We didn’t know our way around all that well and since we have been living with one vehicle we’ve been housebound a little more than I am used to. These first months have been emotional and difficult at times.

In this time, I’ve experienced more turmoil between my boys then in the past. This tells me that not only have I been feeling out of sorts, but the move has affected them too. I’m not going to gauge how much they fight or argue, it doesn’t matter. They squabble more than some siblings and less than others. These facts say little about my parenting and more about who they are, the strength of their emotional conviction, and where they are in their lives. There are varying degrees of struggles in all families. I think the main difference is how these struggles are handled. Even in the best of times, my boys show some sibling discontentment.

Children are forever learning about themselves. Radical unschoolers recognize the importance of freedom in learning about ourselves and the world around us. Children get angry, sad, tired, hungry and over stimulated just like adults do. Children don’t always have the right tools to deal with their emotions in a positive, productive or satisfying way. When I think about my child’s emotional development I relate to it much in the same way I look at their reading development. It is fair to say that most 5 year olds cannot read what would be considered advanced material. Possibly they haven’t learned to read yet or maybe they just don’t understand the material. The main point is, they haven’t learned yet. They haven’t processed reading enough that they can make use of their skills. Emotional development and coping skills aren’t any different than any other skill. Children will learn and process these skills just like any other, and at completely different rates.

There are certain steps you can take to help your children with their conflict. However, let me be clear about something. Conflicts can arise for all sorts of reasons. Some children are naturally easy going and some are not. There is no one size fits all method for conflict resolution between siblings. There are very important things to remember when siblings collide.

1. Stay in the moment. Once you leave the moment and allow your own emotions to get the best of you, you’ve lost the ability to help your children. Being calm and connected is the very best way to show your children how to deal with conflict.
2. Listen. Often children fight or argue when there is a communication breakdown. They wouldn’t yell if they felt heard. Listen to each child, their feelings are real and very important. Be their sounding board.
3. Be patient. Sometimes an emotionally charged argument or fight can take awhile to diffuse. (If it’s physically violent, stop it immediately) My children often need to talk or yell it out until they figure out what their needs are.
4. Meeting needs. Meet their needs as best you can. Better yet, if they are willing, help them meet their own needs. It goes a long way to show them that you care about their needs and wants. Unmet needs can often be a cause of differences between siblings.
5. Consolation. Disappointment is real and a child doesn’t need to be left alone to deal with it. When it seems to fail and a child is discouraged with the outcome, there is always comfort, cuddles, and a special bowl of ice cream with the parent.

When problems seem to go beyond communication failure try platters of snacks, shoulder rubs, or engaging in the activity of the child having problems. Young ones can often be redirected or distracted.

These ideas aren’t fool proof. Following these steps doesn’t mean you’ll stop having children who fight. However, these are ways to show them their feelings are important and a way to give them a chance to be heard.

Conflicts are learning experiences. Through conflict children are exploring their inner most emotions, and what makes them tick; their likes, dislikes and convictions. If they believe in themselves their conflicts will be more about the issue, rather than a need to be heard or feel valued. This turmoil is often a window into the passion someone feels about something.

Depending on the age and maturity of the child, conflict can often be discussed after the fact. Questions you and your child can discuss are:

• Why was I feeling that way?
• How can I use these feelings without hurting someone else?
• Was I tired, hungry, or reacting to something artificial?
• How can I respond differently next time?
• How can I explain myself so that my brother understands me?
• What can I do for myself, so that I am able to respond or communicate better next time?

I’m sure there are many people out there who have many, many ideas for conflict resolution. I encourage discussion with others, and brainstorming. Don’t think you’ve failed because your kid’s relationships are especially tumultuous this week. Children have varying personalities and rates at which they learn social skills. Learning to read, ride a bike, and calculate algebra can come before learning to communicate needs. Learning emotional, logical, rational, and academic type skills will happen when a child is ready and not a moment before. If your child isn’t reading by age 9 they may not be ready to learn. Similarly, if your children are arguing or fighting at age 9, they may not be ready to handle conflict on their own.

Parent = Facilitator.

Facilitate their learning.

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