What is Respect?
To respect someone is to hold them in high esteem and honor them. To show them consideration and courtesy. We do this for our children by showing them unconditional love. Our children do this by showing us unconditional love. I treat my children to the same respect I show my husband and treasured friends.
I was recently at the UWWG in OH. I was fortunate enough to attend Heather and TJ’s talk, Modeling is for Clay: Real Children Need Real Life. It’s about being authentic and not modeling as an expectation for certain results in your kids. It was a wonderful talk. I love to hear what Heather and TJ think. I find them both to be intelligent and thoughtful people.
After speaking they opened the floor to questions. Interestingly, the first question was about children picking up after themselves. The mother said that she felt her children didn’t respect her because they didn’t clean up after themselves. She thought that she needed to do something to get them to clean up because they needed to learn respect. Hmmmmm…
So what does respect mean? I think when most parents use the word ‘respect’ they mean ‘obedience’ and ‘servitude’. I think that this needs to be challenged. I KNOW that when I neglect to pick up after myself for whatever reason that it is not because I disrespect anyone. It is not because I have expectations of someone else cleaning after me. It is not because I don’t value the time and energies of someone. I wouldn’t want my child to feel disrespected or unloved when I forget to pick up something. I don’t want them to carry THAT baggage.
My children respect me, my children love me. I respect my children, I love them unconditionally. I love them even when they leave their dishes around.
I have heard the voices in my heads say “That’s disrespectful for people to leave their dishes.” I have heard them loud and clear. Before discovering Radical Unschooling I even listened to them. I felt bad, about my children and myself. It wasn’t helpful. It didn’t get the dishes (or anything else) cleaned up, it just felt bad. And worst of all it wasn’t even reality. My kids DID respect me. I was just perceiving they didn’t.
Respect is giving others the freedom to be accepted for who they are without expectations. It’s not picking up dishes or cleaning a room. I accept that my children are children. They act in childish and immature ways. I delight in watching them grow and become more mature and thoughtful. I love to see them grow and be and become.
Further, I don’t think it’s disrespectful for others to not meet our needs. I need the dishes cleaned up. That is about me. It is about my need for cleanliness and order. Them picking up dishes makes life easier for me. I did not have children to make my life easier. Having children or really having any relationship is adding complications to your life. I don’t view that as a bad thing.
My children are much loved, honored guests that I have invited into my home and gifted with their own space within it. A gift without strings. I choose to have them. I invited their being into my life. I am responsible for them until they are capable for being responsible for themselves. I fully embrace my “job”. I show them the path towards responsibility by lighting the path towards adulthood with my joy at being an adult and at being a responsible adult.
What does respect mean to you?
Wow! Amazing post. Thanks for clearing things up
Wow, I honestly don’t think I’ve read anything quite so succint about this issue! What really sung loudly for me was the thought that neglecting to put your stuff away is not a sign of disrespect or an expectation that someone else should do it. It’s just forgetting to do it! That’s how it is for me when I leave things lying around, now that I think about it. It’s simply a case of not remembering to put it away, or being too busy, etc. I’ve never stopped to realise that it’s also true for my kids. This has helped me to see their habit of leaving things lying around simply as a habit, not as a sign of disrespect. Thank you!
Always a pleasure reading your posts/thoughts, Faith. Simple, to the point.
I do think that as a parent you can tell when you are telling a child to do something simply because you want them to obey you. We all have been there. But I think teaching respect is something that is good within a family. Cleaning up after oneself is respectfully clearing the space for others to do their own projects. I think each child needs a space they can decide when to clean (a space to do projects that no one can touch). But I think putting that much guilt onto yourself by simply asking the family to help keep family space clean is not letting your family help meet your needs. Its about helping and learning to be in a family, not about blind obedience.
I agree that clearing and cleaning up after ones self allows the family and others to have space to create. I disagree that it has anything to do with respect. Or rather that it *may* be respectful to do that, it is considerate of other. However, not doing it doesn’t necessarily mean disrespect.
To teach, hmmm, I think that you can not teach respect. That is saying that respect is something that is not already within us, that respect is not a reflection of the love, consideration, and politeness that is around us.
I feel that children learn to be a family naturally, There are no lessons to be learned. There is no respect to be earned. Family is what it is. It is different in each house. What is respectful to me, may be disrespectful to another. If we allow our children to be then they are free to treat each person the way they need to be treated. If we create rules they must follow then there is no room for individual needs.
If I need help around the house (or where ever) I simply ask. If I don’t get the help I need I ask someone else or I state my need in another way. I offer choices, options, ideas. I allow my children to decide how and when and what they do to help. If the dishes need washing I can ask for that. If no one wants to wash the dishes I might ask to have the toddler played with so I can do it. If no one is available to watch or wash I might set the toddler up with a project or show. There are more ways to solve a problem than to force my children to labor at a task they will resent.